It's Time To Talk About It: Dating

Alright yall, I knew this topic was coming (and just in time for Valentines Day.... coincidence? I think not). You cant have a marriage and family class without talking about dating. And here it is. I am going to talk about three general ideas about this topic and how dating differs from just "hanging out", but I encourage all of you to comment and either share some of your favorite dates you have been on, or your experiences with dating in general, or even if you know some more interesting facts or things like that- share them! We want to know!

The three topics we are going to talk about are the three P's of dating: Planned, Paid for, Paired Off. So I am sure you are thinking "Summer, I have never even heard of this, where did this come from?" Well, I am glad you asked. It appeared in an online article called, Casual Dating, Alive and Well and here is the link if you would like to go look at it ( https://ldsmag.com/article-1-12419/ ). And her article is very similar to what mine is about, but in class we really dived into this topic, the three P's of dating, and what they looked like.

Planned

So, everyone knows about this one. It is where you plan what you are going to do for the period of time that yall will be together that day. But something that not a lot of people realize or think about that comes with the planning is, the intention of planning the date specifically for the person you are going on the date with. My parents always talk to me about my intent when I do things- was it your intention to lie? Was it your intent to disobey? What are your intentions with your friends today? It is a question you can ask yourself for just about anything in life, including: what is my intent with the date? And that is where you start to get inspiration for your date, and the activities you are going to plan. Let me give you an example- is this just a "get to know you" date? Do's: Go out and have an adventure, she what this person is like when they come across difficulties, or problem solving, or facing fears. Cook together- see if they are willing to try new things, if they can roll with the punches, if they help out. Go out for a night on the town- are the wise with their money, do they like to explore or stick to what they know, are they personable with those around them or shy and closed off, are they interested in the sights or bored by the whole thing? Those are just a few suggestions of things you can do. Don't: go to a movie- it gives you no ability to have conversation or watch non-verbal ques, or social-interpersonal reactions. Go out clubbing- again, there is no ability to converse with the loud music, also, if you become intoxicated it puts you in a position where inhibitions are lowered and you can be put into compromising situations or conversations that, while some might call it "showing your true nature", I call it "putting your worst foot forward" especially during the first few months of dating. That's right, I said months. And we will get to that. So what makes this different than hanging out? Commitment to intention of the date and the drive to be with someone. If you dont have the desire to get to know that person on a long term basis in a romantic way, then you hangout. You make it casual, not show interest romantically, and participate in activities that dont particularly enhance the basis of a relationship. Friends hangout, dates are for potential forever partners: yep, that means marriage. You should start dating when you are ready to start looking for a life long partner and to get married, otherwise, enjoy the company of those you surround yourself with casually.

Paid For

Again, this one is pretty straight forward. Unfortunately we live in a world where nothing is free. Because of this, it means that it is a fact that somebody has to pay for the date. And I am going to say something that is going to rock your world a little bit: ladies, it doesnt have to be the man who has to pay! Now me personally, I like when the guy pays for the first date, it shows, to me, a level of responsibility and planning that they put forth to the activity and what we are going to be doing- but there are a lot of girls out there that would rather pay their part, or in full the date, and if that is the case, then guys, you can let them do it if you want, dont fight a free date when you get one! But that brings me to an important question. How do you know who is going to pay? Well, the answer is actually surprising- yall talk about it. I was shocked when we discussed this in class, I even said "isnt that rude to talk about money before you have even gone on the date?" and my classmate said "well are you asking them for the routing number to their bank account? No, your just asking who is paying. If you cant talk about money on the first date- when will you ever be able to talk about money?" And in a weird way, that made sense to me. It doesnt mean you have to be rude or crass or awkward about it, you can even start by offering to go dutch (each of you paying for yourself), but have that conversation, it shows your ability to be direct about what you need and have important conversations. How does this compare to hangouts? Well, if you are just hanging out, there is no intention to pay for one another, because you are not in charge of that person, it is just a casual time to do whatever you you want and you provide for yourself. And that brings us to the third and final "P".

Paired Off

This is important for making clear, the intentions of the date- especially if you are going out with a group of people. This is the part of the date where the guy puts his arm around the girl, or you both sit on the same side of the table, or you share an ice cream sundae together- it is when you pair off with one another and make clear the claim "I am in charge of this person for tonight's activities". So why would this be so important? Well, it solidifies the job of the person who created the date- to make sure that their date is having a good time, is taken care of, and returns home safely. Without being direct about this fact, you can end up in a confusing situation where one party or the other is confused about interest in them or there is no responsibility given to one party or the other to be sure that they get home safely or are not feeling left out, which is often times how hangouts work. This can also subconsciously provide a level of comfort and connection with the other party as they feel important and cared for, as well as non-verbally showing the capacity of the asking party to take care of and provide security for the asked party.

So what does all of this mean? It means if you want to get serious about somebody, you need to ask them out on a proper date- not just a hangout, and you will be amazed at what you can learn from this activity. Hangouts are meant for casual meet and greets, while dating is looking for a potential partner for life. Now, I would like to disclaimer that you should NOT be super creepy the first date and talk about marrying that person or spending the rest of your life with them on the second date. What I mean is, you should BOTH be subconsciously thinking, while out are dating, "is this someone I could see spending the rest of my life with?" and if not, then end it early before too much time and money and feelings are invested into the situation. And if you arent looking to be serious with someone- then go out on hangouts and have great amazing, carefree times with others! As you continue dating you should also start looking to DTR (Define the Relationship) because let me tell you- there is nothing worse than being the party super interested in somebody, and thinking things are exclusive and serious, just to turn around and have them say they arent interested or not exclusive. There is NOTHING WRONG with DTR and if one party or the other has a problem with doing so, then do you really want to be with them? or if they try to DTR too much do you want that either? It is healthy to know where the emotions of the other person are in regards to you- it is called communication which is healthy for a relationship.

I can tell yall that currently I am single, but I have been in a few relationships in my life, and one of my favorite dates was with someone I was exclusive with. who paid attention to things I said I liked and didnt like, and treated me like a princess. He knew that I wasnt particularly fond of taking hours to do my hair and make up, but I like to go out and do something fancy every once in a while, so he had his idea for the date and followed the three P's of dating: Planned- he got his sisters to do my hair and make up and let me borrow a nice dress, then we went to Olive Garden (at the time it was my favorite restaurant) and then we had a night on the town and went up to a hill to overlook the lights of the city. Paid for- he paid for dinner, and drove his car, and I cant remember if I wanted to buy anything in town, but if I did, he bought that as well. Paired off- he was a gentleman and opened every single door for me, and he let everyone know I was his date (even the waiter at the restaurant thought it was cute that he was so happy about the date) and he always had his arm around my waist or hand on the small of my back and walked on the side closest to the road to be sure I knew he was there and that I was safe. I felt really special on the date and it improved the romantic relationship because it was more than just sitting at home in pjs watching Netflix, it showed effort and care, and attention to details. Think of it like asking someone to prom, you set up this whole elaborate way to ask them to go to the dance with you, and then you pay for their ticket to go (my first prom experience was fun too because there was a fish involved and he played the guitar for me and my family, and wrote me a letter and it was really cute).

If you put that much effort into the date, I promise you can get some pretty amazing results. And if we all put as much effort into our social, interpersonal relationships as we do with trying to find summer in our lives, I guarantee the world would be a more peaceful and happy place to live.

Summer