When In Doubt, Work Together

Hey y'all- what a crazy couple of weeks. I am so sorry that I wasn't able to get back to you sooner than this, but I was having some computer problems and well, you know how it goes. Anyways, so I am back and now I want to talk about what we learned this week in University- and in case you couldn't tell what it was by the title- we are going to talk about what working together can do for the family, especially for the children.

So what does it matter if we work together? I know when I was little, I was always fighting with my siblings, and it seemed like my parents preferred that I spent less time with my siblings to help prevent more fights... sound familiar? I would like to disclaim that this is a NORMAL fact- siblings will fight. They really will. But, it doesn't mean we should inhibit them from working together- because there are still more pros than cons to having them work together with one another and with you- as the parent. Three pros I will discuss today (but trust me, the list is not limited to these three things) are: having your kids do hard things- prepares them to be able to accomplish harder things later. The second- it is a great way to teach them the value of service. Finally, it will help create a more positive atmosphere and attitude in the home and between one another. And with all of this, having a strong father figure is crucial to the well-being of his children and family in general.

So for the first topic- having kids help you or one another to do hard things, will help them to be able to accomplish hard things in their future. I think that for this particular topic- it help the children that are young adults or teenagers. Lets take, for example, moving day. IF you hired a company to move everything for you, or if you only pack while the kids are away at school (because you can focus better when they aren't there complaining or distracting you), then you are robbing your children of vital experiences like feeling a sense of accomplishment after completing a hard project, the ability to learn how to be efficient, or the ability to work together with others, where everyone is trying to achieve the same goals. imagine this- you start the move, and you tell your kids "alright you guys, I want you to pack up the living room, label the boxes, and then load them up on the truck- I want it don't by dinner, and make sure that- when you load the truck- you do it where it uses up every free space: like Tetris. I believe y'all can do it." Then what happens? Well, probably some grumbling, and then I am sure there would be an argument here or there about how it should get done..... but then you start noticing that boxes are leaving the house, and getting loaded in the truck, and that they start singing or joking around as they work. They might even sing and joke to the point where the work stops for a minute or two, but with a swift reminder they will get back to work. Now your kids are learning how to work with someone else on a project, they are learning time management, learning how to help themselves cope with a hard project, and- when they are done and sitting at the table eating dinner and notice that the living room looks empty (and your praises that it got done), they will gain a since of accomplishment and pride in the work they did, and can feel how exhausted and happy they are in that moment and remember that. Also, with having a father figure involved in the packing of the house and keeping the children on track- it helps the house to have a role model to look up to and have someone to instill discipline so that the children can be raised with the moral standard the parents would want them to have.

Now, flash forward to when they are getting ready to leave for college. They now have, not only knowledge about how to pack up their stuff- but if they get nervous or scared, you can remind them about the time yall moved and how they thought packing the living room was an impossible task and through some hard work they were able to, not only help the family, but help themselves by solving a problem and learning how to make it fun: and they can do the same for college. In case you cant tell, I have had personal experiences with this, and I have to admit that it was the hardest thing I had done (at that time in my life), but some of the best memories I have from moving, are the games my siblings and I set up to help the process be easier, like chucking boxes at one another in an assembly line to the truck, or playing "can I run and put the box in the truck before my sister is done packing another box". And they sound a little stupid, but I got to spend time problem solving and working/playing with my siblings, which I wouldn't have been able to do if my mom didn't ask us to pack up and just told us to up and leave our house one day when it is done.

The second point is, having your kids work together or work with you, will help them to learn the value of service. In today's society, service is becoming less and less prominent, and if we don't teach our kids the life skills it takes to preform service for one another, than the cycle will never break. And you want to start this as young as possible- the sooner you can instill this quality in them, the better off in life they will be. Let's take, for example, a time when your significant other is having a rough day, you get off of the phone with them and you really feel like you want to cook them their favorite dinner, or you want to clean up the house for when they come home. Now, you can definitely do it yourself, and then they come home and thank you for the hard work, while the kids are still staring at the TV.... or you can call your kids into the room and have them sit down and tell them "you guys, your (mom or daddy) is having a hard day at work today. They feel tired and sad, so lets do something nice for them and cook them their favorite dinner and clean up ok? They will be SO happy when they come home and see all of the stuff we did for them".

And then you talk to the kids as they are helping you with the cooking and cleaning and you ask them "do you think they will like this? Why are we doing this? How do you feel that you are helping them?" and let them discover for themselves the joy of service. And when your significant other comes home to see that this was done for them, the kids will feel so much pride that they helped someone else feel better, that they would want to do it again. Children just naturally have a capacity to love and want to help, so feed that- don't squander it. And then you get to be proud of them as they grow up and serve others around them. Now for this one in specific, I have to say my dad is an incredible role model of selflessness- he is always either going to field trips with us kids, or he invites us to go to work with him to spend time with each child individually, and he is constantly in service to my mom- making sure she feels special and loved and appreciated. And I need to admit to y'all that some of my most cherished memories of my dad come from these times where he was selfless. I will admit that I am a daddy's girl and therefore am a little biased, but I really do stand by this statement.

The final topic I want to talk about today, is how, working together can create a positive atmosphere and attitude in the home. Now this one, is a little tricky, because you need to be actively searching for these opportunities in your day-to-day lives (as the parent) to help nourish this type of behavior in the home. I am going to use an example I heard about years ago, that I was so inspired by that I still remember it to this day, and plan on doing this with my future family. Taxes/paying the bills. Everyone has to do it. It is a cumbersome thing that takes time and energy and the need to do a lot of math..... and it sucks, lets just be real about it. And- the common senario when the parents are working on this goes as follows:

Kid- what are you doing mom?

Mom- working on bills.

Kid- What are bills?

Mom- it is money we pay to have tv and water and air conditioning.

Kid- why?

Mom- because that is how the world works.

Kid- what is this paper?

Mom- Stop asking me questions, I need to focus, go play with your brother or watch TV or something.

Now this happens more often than we like to admit- and don't even try to deny it, because i know i even do this to my younger siblings when I am working on homework or something, and for that, I really regret it because there could have been many many times I could be a teacher to my younger siblings or spent time with them (if any of you are reading this blog- please consider this a public apology). What should happen, is 1) we encourage the curiosity, and the fact that they are asking US and not one of their friends at school. When they are younger, it might seem annoying or tiresome to answer all of their questions, but better to do it now while they are asking about taxes- and create that trusting, open atmosphere, before they start asking their friends about sex or drugs as they get older and don't come to you because you didn't give them that open atmosphere. 2) we need to include them. Start asking your kids questions back "would you like to try and do the taxes with me? you can use the calculator for me." "do you want to sit here and watch me? You can ask three questions if you would like." or "go get your homework, and we can work on our papers together". Doing these types of things are going to foster such a deep connection between you and your child, and they learn valuable life skills, while you learn how to better help your children through that open link you provided for them.

I hope this helps some of you to reflect on what you are doing in your life now that you would like to improve on. And one quick side note- while I didn't touch on it this time- please remember to always try to work TOGETHER with your significant other in as many different ways as you can. The more you two work together, the more harmony/communication/patience/understanding will be in the home. And you can be sure to have a strong fatherly precence in the home. All of those characteristics, and more, when put together can feel just as good as a warm summer breeze on your face, and that is what we are all trying to find right? I know that I am definitely going to plan on applying these techniques to my life now, and my future family life as well.